Niall singing The A Team. Never loose this link. Ever. Because if you do. You have succeeded in making yourself cry. Thanks a lot fucktard.
Why I waste my time on 5 boys who will never notice me?
Well I’ll give you a few reasons.
In the beginning of January I was legitimately depressed. I hated myself. I hated everything about me. My face, my body, me. Everything about me. I just hated me. I never wanted to go anywhere because of how I felt about myself. I was ugly, and I hated that. I hated I couldn’t be pretty. I hated the fact I couldn’t be pretty as other girls. The fact I couldn’t be like other girls and be confident. I hated it. It drove me insane that I wasn’t pretty. I wanted to just stay in my room forever.
At school I was treated bad by so called ‘popular’ kids. I wanted to be them. I actually desired to be them. I was eager to be in their shoes. Everything they did I wanted to do. No matter what it was. In the end of January I was listening to sirius radio and I heard these British kids. Now being the British accent freak I am I turned it up.
“Hi we’re One Direction” they said so loud and beautiful.
I thought hmm who is this so called One Direction? I knew Th Wanted but not One Direction.
So I KIKed my friend Phillip. He’s British and lives outside of London.
The conversation went something like this
Hey Phillip who is One Direction?
I’m surprised you don’t know. But then again you like good music (tis true my taste in music is perf) but they where on x factor and came out in third place. But famous anyways
I thought about that. X factor hmmm?
So I got on YouTube and typed One Direction.
Millions of videos. Millions.
The one that caught my eye was a song called Torn. Described me right? Perfectly torn is what I was.
So I listened to it.
I couldn’t talk when I got through. They where perfect. Just perfect. And all so adorable.
I at once downloaded all their music on my phone and freaked listening to it. Even songs from x factor. It was perfect.
I watched video diaries and got in on all the jokes. I learned things about them every day until I was obsessed. Now Phillip hated this, but he agreed that if I liked them he wouldn’t say anything bad. So I just don’t mention them to him.
I found myself growing attached to them more and more.
It was crazy. And their music isn’t even my style. I like rock and they are FAR from rock music. FAR. But I loved it.
I finally fessed up and told my mom about them in late February? Yeah around then. But by then it had already taken over my life, as crazy as that sounds its true. My mom said I could go to a concert. So I jumped to a laptop.
2012 america tour. Cool click.
Nope. Couldn’t go. Why? Too much money. Now you’re probably think this is where she ask for money. No I’m not. I’m explaining my story bro.
Listen. Or read same thing.
So I checked for next year. Still too much. I don’t want to be far away. I want to w near them. Sounds greedy but it’s true. I want to actually see them. Not ants on a screen. Js.
So I have come to the conclusion I’ll never see them unless they tour in 2014. Which will be the year I WILL be in England for my senior trip. My luck sucks right? Right. So basically I give up on seeing them anytime soon.
But theres still a part of my that wants to just go on twitter and be able to DM them. But hey I can’t. I can’t even tweet them. Why tweet them if they can’t see it? No point. I’m not the normal fan though.
Really I’m not.
I don’t want to rape them. Like most.
I dot want them as some say IN MY BED NOW.
I don’t want an autograph.
I don’t want to touch them.
I don’t want to be in a relationship with them.
Although this would all be nice. I don’t want that.
I merely want to be friends with them. That’s all. Just friends. I don’t see the point in chasing them around and begging them for autographs. Or crying over them.
THEY ARE NORMAL BOYS. They aren’t like God. They are just five boys who chased their dreams and got more than they planned for.
But these boys saved me.
Cheesy right? They did though.
I heard their song Moments. And I’m telling you… Perfection is the only word to describe it. I can’t even fabricate into words how I feel about that song. Same with the song Same mistakes.
Those songs changed me.
Another reason they saved me.
I went through the whole
Your not beautiful unless you wear makeup stage. Don’t we all?
Well Hun I wore some makeup. Thick bro. Really thick. Now I think about it and wonder What the Actual fuck was wrong with me?
But then it seemed perfect. Well I was watching interviews of the boys and they where asked how they felt about girls and makeup?
Liam: I don’t like it, natural beauty is sexy.
Louis: yeah, natural is major turn on.
Niall: I don’t like girls at all when they wear makeup
Zayn: I don’t really care
Harry: go natural babe, don’t look like a crayon raped your face.
That changed me. Something clicked in me. I didn’t need it to be pretty me. I don’t need to wear all the makeup and hide me behind some plastic I was being.
So I stopped. Slowly but I stopped. One day I would wear no eyeliner. The next I would take off the eyeshadow and then mascara. Then I was done.
It was gone. No base. Nothing.
Now this really upset me. After I took it all off I say I from of a mirror one day. Just looking at myself. How I was too fat. How I wasn’t pretty. My eyes where too big. My face was too skinny. My scar on my cheek was hideous. I wanted to just rip my face off. Then I looked at my body.
Skinny but still fat Brittany. I had fat legs. My sides where fat. My stomach was too big. My arms weren’t long enough. My feet where ugly. I was just all in all an ugly piece of shit. And I hated that.
I cried for what seemed to be forever. Hours and hours. Till finally I couldn’t cry anymore. So I crawled in bed and went to sleep.
When I woke up the next morning I didn’t eat. Didn’t eat that whole day. Or the next. Which is unusual for me considering I eat everything in sight.
But I didn’t I just starved. Till finally after 3 days forced myself to eat so I wouldn’t get sick.
I hate myself for it.
I got online and watched interviews about the boys. It made me feel good. Just watching them. Made me feel pretty. And Niall mentioned somewhere (I forgot) about how you should never do that to yourself. No matter what.
Of course he would say that. He loves food. But still made me feel nice.
So I started eating again.
In march I started to tell my friends of my obsession. Turns out they all hate them. Right? Yeah. Their stupid. So I don’t mention my love for them anymore.
I only have a few friends anyways. So loosing them would break me. I don’t plan on that.
In March I decided I would find people on IG to talk to about one direction.
I found lily.
She’s perf. Okay?
She’s beautiful and and 1D fan. Me and her talk for what seems hours about The boys. Just how we feel. How we want to be their friends.
She helped me a lot. And I thank her for that.
But this wasn’t enough.
In May I started liking this boy.
A lot more than I should have. But hey I’m a girl and girls are allowed to have crushes. Well I thought he liked me too.
He said he did. Told me several times. Even got his friend to ask me how I felt about him.
Well one day he just stopped talking to me. Wouldn’t answer me. No texts, no calls, nothing.
Nothing at all.
Until finally I stopped.
So I decided again I wasn’t pretty enough. Well school let out and its now June.
I still don’t think I’m pretty. Perhaps I’m actually not.
But I’ve learned so what?
Who gives a fuck how I look? God put me on this earth and made me what he wanted to make me. And his creations are beautiful right? Right. So
So what if I’m not popular. Or so what if I’m not skinny enough?
So what if I’m the awkward kid in class?
Who cares? Not me anymore.
I still have my insecurities. But I don’t let them rule me.
Until today. Really got to me.
I met this guy… Again. Moved on quick I know. But I liked him. A lot. I was going to tell my friend about him. Then she text me saying she had to tell me good news.
The news was the guy I LIKED likes her -.- and she likes him too. So what do I do?
Yay good for you. That’s so sweet.
I go with it.
Broken inside is what the actual fuck I am.
But hey? We don’t get everything we want.
So who cares?
No one does.
That statement can be taken several ways. Right now I’m taking it the worst way possible.
Dear future self.
When you read this it should be around 20 years from now. You’ve probably already been to a 1D concert and met them (hopefully) you’ve probably been to several concerts and gave Niall your journal. You’ve probably had kids and a family now. You’ve probably succeeded in your dream of being a photographer in California. But the downfall of all of this? You’re not married to who all of your highschool years you said you would. Niall James Horan. You don’t have Horan kids or a house with him. He doesn’t even remember you. You where just another fan who seemed like everyone else to him. Reading this you’re probably laughing at yourself. But reality (right now anyways) is you’re dedicated to meeting them. You tell yourself you have a chance to meet them. But in reality you know you don’t. You say oh well they want to date fans. They don’t. In reality your reading this and thinking I wasted my childhood on five boys who don’t even care to know me. But right now… I wouldn’t have it any other way. They don’t know me but they’ve helped me. So much that I can’t even tell them all of it. When I feel like doing things I would regret in the long run… I listen to them. I watch their interviews or the old video diaries. It makes me feel good. How Louis is always joking and how Liam tries to calm everyone and say thanks. How Harry has his larry moments on accident. And how Zayn is always laughing and doesn’t know what to say. And mostly how Niall is just like there laughing and not caring what people think. Cause he is the most ‘care free mofo’ in the world. You probably smiled remembering that. If you’re reading this now go back and watch the video diaries. Re live those moments. Get on your older twitter and instagram and look around. Watch old twitcams. And after you do that’s when you can say if it was a waste of time. Honestly now I don’t think so. I’m not doing bad in school. I still have friends. But I haven’t met them yet. It’s June 2012. I can’t get tickets this year because of money. But I’m saving money for next years. I will eventually get lucky and meet them at a signing or something but I still won’t leave the impression I want. Because I’m just some small town girl who isn’t famous. I ask myself all the time, is this worth it? No. But oh yes it is. In many ways. They formed who I am today. The music loving and careful person I am. I can’t help but think of them as my friends. Even though they don’t know my name. I can’t picture myself fangirling over them following me on twitter or chasing them down the road. Or even stalking them at their hotel. Because friends don’t do that to each other right? Right. So when I meet them im going to act normal. And be myself. Because if they love some makeup whore who (some girls) do at sighing they don’t deserve me. So I’ll dress normal. In a tee shirt and some pants or something. I’ll be myself with no makeup because natural is perfect. I’ll wear my favorite vans and bring along my friends. I’ll say hey and ask them how they are. I won’t scream or cry at them because friends don’t do that. I’ll be me. Just me. I won’t jump all over them or follow them around town with dresses on. They can accept their fans. And I love that. I’ll be me, and just hope me in good enough. Because me is all I have to give. I just want to be friends. Nothing crazy. Nothing drastic. So future me. Ask yourself, Was this all worth it? Because right now, I honestly think it is.